


together. alive.

by courage_of_stars



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Worship, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Intimacy, M/M, Scars, Self-Harm, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-19 04:23:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15502236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/courage_of_stars/pseuds/courage_of_stars
Summary: "I love you.Even the parts of you that I haven’t seen. Or the parts of yourself that you think are ugly. I loveallof you. Nothing can ever change that."





	together. alive.

Everything was silent except for the sound of falling rain. It was one of those days when exhaustion pulled at their bones, and grief weighed in their hearts too heavily. Sometimes it was easier to surrender. This wasn't giving up. This was giving in. With each other, they could stop desperately trying to keep themselves in one piece. It was safe to be vulnerable here. The boys collapsed together in bed. Their bodies drew closer as if the other was their center of gravity— Clay’s back resting against Tony’s chest, Tony’s arms wrapping around Clay's waist.

While Tony nuzzled his face into his boyfriend's shoulder, Clay clasped their hands together. Sometimes Clay ran his thumb over the callouses and small scars. Other times Clay lifted Tony’s knuckles to his lips. He pressed gentle kisses against bruises with hopes of making them heal faster. Tony rested an open palm against Clay's chest. Even if it was never said out loud by Tony, Clay understood the boy’s need for checking his heartbeat. To feel the beating of Clay’s heart eased the mess of paranoia and anxiety inside Tony. When Clay turned his head just enough to brush his nose against his boyfriend's cheek, Tony gave him what he wanted: a kiss. He loved the way Clay smiled into these sweet kisses. Happiness was a good look on him.

Clay's taken to wearing Tony's flannels almost all the time. The shirts that were a few sizes too big on Tony fit Clay perfectly. Tony found it fucking cute that his boyfriend loved wearing his clothes. He's caught Clay on more than one occasion bringing the sleeves to his nose, closing his eyes, and just breathing in Tony's scent. It was those small moments that made Tony's heart ache. There were no words for how much he adored this boy.

Softly, Tony kissed his neck. "Cariño, what did I do to deserve you?”

It wasn’t the first time Tony’s asked such a question. Usually Clay would banter back playfully, or catch his lips in a deeper kiss. But today, Clay tensed up. Tony stopped kissing his neck. He was so in sync with Clay that he picked up on changes to his body language instantly. Before he could ask what was wrong, Clay’s breath hitched in...... _a sob?_

"Clay...?" Tony propped himself up on an elbow to get a better look at the boy. Concern was heavy in his gaze. "What's wrong?"

Tony's eyes widened more when the only response he got was another shaky sob. The boy was covering his face with a sweater paw. The gesture reminded Tony of a child who thought that covering his eyes meant he was invisible to the world. But it wasn't like Clay to try to hide himself from Tony. Likewise Tony didn't wear his armor around Clay as he did with the rest of the world. They didn't keep secrets from each other anymore.

"M-me," Clay finally answered. His voice cracked at the edges. The words strained from holding back tears. " _I'm_ wrong. I--" The boy gritted his teeth before hissing out, _"Fuck."_ Clay sat up. His body turned away from Tony. He clutched at the flannel shirt, trying to pull it tighter around his body like a safety blanket. "We haven't had- had _sex_ yet. I-I haven't- I haven't even let you _touch my skin_ yet." He was shaking with restrained anger. "Because I keep saying _no._ " Finally Clay looked at Tony. Tears brimmed the blue eyes clouded in anguish. "Why aren't you frustrated with me?" 

Tony stared. He blinked a few times while trying to comprehend what the fuck was going on. Even if they were childhood bestfriends that grew into boyfriends, Tony didn't always understand Clay's thought process right away. And after everything that happened with their classmates, the tapes, _Hannah--_ how in the world did Clay think Tony would be okay with anything _nonconsensual?_  Or even regardless of all that, Tony still would never do anything without Clay's consent. Consent was a basic human right. Or how could Clay think Tony was in this relationship ultimately for just sex?

_Oh, fuck._ If Clay was only bringing this up _now,_ then Tony knew he must've been agonizing over it for a long time. Why didn't Tony notice something was going on sooner?

There was a beat of silence while Tony fully sat up and reached out to dry Clay's tears. With each stroke of his thumb across Clay's skin, the storm raging inside the boy began to calm down. A few more tears fell as Clay leaned into Tony's touch.

"I love you and respect you, Clay," said Tony. "I'm never going to go against your consent. And I would never be upset with you, because we haven't slept together yet. Or even if we never do. It won't ever make me love you less. _It's okay_ if you don't want to have sex-"

"But I do!" Clay exclaimed as the internal frustration flared again. One hand pulled at his short hair in distress. It was hard to find the right words when his emotions were going haywire. "I- Fuck-" Clay tugged at the sleeves some more. "I- I'm just scared," he finally confessed with a sob. "I'm scared that you're going to get fed up and leave. Tony, you're fucking amazing. You could have any guy. Someone who's not a goddamned mess like _me._ But I'm even _more_ scared that once you see _my fucked up body,_ you'll leave--"

Tony grasped Clay’s hands, then leaned in to look him in the eye. “You are fucking beautiful, Clay Jensen. _And I’m never leaving you._ ”

There was weight to those words that only Clay could understand. Tony didn’t only mean their relationship. He meant _life._ The guilt of letting Hannah walk away that final day, and not saving her threatened to destroy Tony. He’s contemplated one too many times of driving his car off a cliff. But Clay anchored him. Clay gave him the courage to keep fighting.

Blue eyes glistening with more tears broke away from Tony’s gaze. Clay glared at a random spot on the bed. “I’m not beautiful,” he whispered. The defeated tone indicated that he was speaking mostly to himself. “I’m not even...remotely passable. And it’s my fault.”

Everything Clay was saying broke Tony’s heart. But the last statement struck a red flag. The dots were connecting: Clay changing in the private bathroom stalls during gym sometimes. Clay wearing mostly long sleeves and avoiding shorts like the plague. Clay pulling Tony’s hand away from his waist if accidentally brushing the skin under his shirt. Even without asking, Tony already had a sense that he knew what this was pointing towards.

With quiet hushing, Tony coaxed Clay into his lap. He could tell that Clay was uncomfortable in his own skin, but still craved intimacy with his boyfriend. As soon as Clay was in Tony's embrace, the boy melted against him.

“Just listen to me for a sec, okay?" Tony rested their foreheads together. "You don’t have to tell me or show me anything you’re uncomfortable with. But Clay— _I love you._ Even the parts of you that I haven’t seen. Or the parts of yourself that you think are ugly. I love _all_ of you. Nothing can ever change that. I’ve loved you since we were kids. And I’m only going to keep on loving you as we grow older.”

Clay started crying a few seconds after Tony started talking. But then a smile broke out at the final words. “Grow older...?” he repeated with bright light flickering in his eyes. “Like— _together?_ ”

Tony inhaled deeply. He felt tears stinging the corners of his own eyes. They've mostly spoken of the future with uncertainty, anxiety, fear and dread. But today, they spoke of the future with **_hope._**  Tony kissed the tears away. “Yes.” Another kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I see the future. You and me. Together. _And we're alive._ ”

He lost his breath breath at the most beautiful sound: _Clay’s laughter._  The warm sound danced across Tony’s shoulder. Clay looked at Tony in silence with eyes full of love. “Together. Alive," Clay echoed as if he was committing these precious words to memory. Meanwhile, Tony was capturing this memory in his heart. He never wanted to forget how Clay looked with hope rekindled in his gaze.

"I trust you," whispered Clay. "Only you." After a kiss to Tony’s cheek, Clay climbed off his lap. Slowly, the boy undid his shirt buttons. When Tony saw the shaking hands, he was about to reach out to help him or stop him or  _do something._ But Tony did none of that. Because this was bravery unraveling right before his eyes. He wouldn’t take that from Clay.

Even after the final button was undone, Clay still kept the flannel tightly wrapped around him. For a moment, Tony was worried this would escalate to a panic attack. But then Clay opened the shirt and let it slide off his shoulders, the patterned fabric pooling onto the bed. Before Tony’s eyes could even settle anywhere, Clay suddenly pulled off his jeans with the same manner you hastily tore off a bandaid. He wasn't going about this half-heartedly. He was revealing everything.

Tony’s fears were confirmed. But what he imagined in his mind was nowhere near heartbreaking as seeing this in real life. Scattered across Clay’s body were **scars.** Too many in number and repeated strokes and intentional locations for these to be accidental. They were self-inflicted. The heaviest scarring was on his thighs and hips. Some on his upper arms and shoulders. Couple on his torso. They were all old scars. No new wounds or just barely healing injuries. Tony was relieved that Clay hadn’t hurt himself recently. But they’ve known each other _for years._ How could Tony have let Clay suffer _alone_ like this? It took a while for Tony to realize that the blurriness to his vision was from tears. He clenched a fist as he felt the dangerous rage rise inside of him. There had to be over hundreds of scars. Those were over hundreds of times when Tony wasn't there for Clay. Hannah wasn't the only one he failed. Tony failed his own childhood bestfriend and boyfriend.

“I’m sorry,” Clay choked out.

Tony blinked. He didn’t realize how long he had been staring in silence, and how Clay misunderstood it was rejection. Tony shook his head. “No, no, no-- Cariño, you have nothing to apologize for.” He leaned in to kiss him slowly. “ _I’m_ the one that’s sorry. For not being there when you were hurting like this.”

“Don’t- don’t say that, Tony," Clay pleaded. Seeing Tony so stricken with guilt only made more tears burn his eyes. "I don’t want you blaming yourself over this...” His voice trailed off as he followed Tony’s line of sight. His boyfriend was staring at his forearms. Clay turned them to expose the underside. To Tony's relief, there were no vertical scars. Clay knew what Tony was thinking of. Or rather-  _who._ “I...I admit in the past that I’ve...thought about it-“ Tony looked up at him with a panicked expression and clutched at his wrists. “But I didn’t! And- I...I wouldn’t. Not now. Not ever.”

“...because of Hannah?”

“Yes,” he answered, his voice trembling and raw. “But also because as- as _fucking terrifying_  everything is sometimes-- _I want to live._ ” Unlike the quiet weeping from before, Clay was crying hard and loud now. The dam had finally broken open. He was fighting to talk through his lungs collapsing in on themselves. Anxiety roared deafeningly inside. Everything was spilling out at the speed of light. “I don’t know if I deserve being alive or being happy or being with _you,_ but— but I want to live, Tony. I want to graduate with you and go on that road trip and grow up together and- and maybe out of everything I don’t deserve your love, but I don't want to die, because I don’t want to give it up, and I know this is all so fucking selfish of me, but I want to keep being with you, I want to wake up next to you, I want to hold your hand when you drive, I want you, I want you, _I want you—_ “

Clay was cut off by the searing collision of their lips. The force behind the kiss was so powerful that Clay fell back onto the bed, pulling Tony down with him. Clay cried into the kiss. But he wasn’t the only one. Tony’s tears caught at the corners of their melding mouths. The kiss only broke for a second as Tony threw his shirt off. Clay gasped sharply when Tony pressed his bare chest against his torso. Hearts beat wildly against flush ribcages.

“Look at me, Clay.” Tony cupped the boy's face. These hands of his that have known violence for so long were always so gentle with Clay. Blue eyes met hazel hues. “ **There's nothing selfish about wanting to live.** You deserve _everything._ Life. Happiness. Love. I want to give you every damned good thing in this universe.” He leaned down to kiss him. “And we deserve each other.”

Something about Tony's words shattered Clay. But in a good way. As if all the poisonous parts of Clay were chipping away, leaving him exposed and ready to be remade into something new. "Thank you, love," Clay murmured against the other's lips. "I-"

Whatever else he meant to say was swallowed up by another sob. But that was okay. No tears were held back anymore. As Clay returned the kiss, Tony felt him smiling into it. Clay's hands went from Tony’s hair to drifting slowly down his back. He tugged at Tony’s waistband. Understanding the silent signal, Tony stripped off his jeans. Clay bit down on his lower lip when he felt Tony’s smooth skin against his scarred thighs. The contrast was visceral. Shame and humiliation swept over him in burning waves. _"I'm sorry-"_ Clay heaved another gasp as he set his forearm over his eyes.

Tony tried to soothe him in sweet Spanish. He pulled Clay's arm away from his face. He saw faint, almost invisible white lines on Clay's wrists. Instead of agonizing and guilting himself into oblivion over having missed these scars, Tony pressed his lips against the tender wrist. He felt Clay tremble. “Thank you for being so brave and showing yourself to me." Tony laughed with tears in his eyes. “Didn’t think I could fall in love with you even _more._ But you never cease to amaze me.” He kissed Clay’s forehead. “You’re beautiful. I want you. So damned much. We can take it slow. Because I want to savor you.”

Clay swore under his breath. He lightly hit Tony's arm which only made his boyfriend laugh again. “You’re being romantic _and_ turning me on at the same time.” He was mortified with how much he was blushing. But he knew Tony never minded. Not when his boyfriend was grinning at him like that. Clay touched the side of his face. “Thank you for...for everything,” he whispered. “Can we...can we touch each other tonight?”

Tony turned his head to kiss Clay's fingers. “Absolutely.”

As Clay leaned in for a kiss, Tony met him halfway. The flickering of Clay's tongue against the boy's lower lip burned into relentless hunger. Tony groaned softly when Clay pulled down their briefs. Sharp inhales escaped at the first touch of their fully bare bodies. Tony kissed a slow wildfire down Clay’s body, lips touching each and every scar on the way. While he was tracing the scar tissue on the heavily marred thighs, Tony knew that he could body worship Clay for hours. Spanish poetry was spoken against warm skin. By now, Clay’s grown fairly fluent, so he understood what Tony was saying. The only time Clay welcomed the feeling of drowning was when being overwhelmed by Tony's love. His chest heaved with a fragile sob, only to be followed by a gasp when Tony marked a love bite onto his inner thigh. His lips and tongue ravished the skin to create more scarlet blemishes over clusters of scars. Clay’s fingers curled in the boy's dark hair. Styled back locks came undone into loose waves. When Clay gave a slight tug, Tony’s teeth grazed across his boyfriend’s hip. Clay gasped out the boy's name.

Tony made his way back up until they were eye level. Clay pulled Tony in for a deep kiss. It was messy yet perfect with clashing lips, teeth and tongues. They kissed as if they were teaching each other how to breathe again. Clay hitched a leg around Tony’s waist before starting to grind their hips together. Tony hissed at the pleasure shooting up his spine. He swore even louder when Clay's nails raked down his back. He nudged Clay's forehead with his as he looked into the boy's eyes.

“At any point if you want to stop, you have to tell me," said Tony. "Okay?”

Clay nodded with a smile. “Okay. And you too.“ He arched more into the other’s body. “ _Fuck,_ Tony- I want this. I want you.”

“Alright, cariño." He pressed a kiss to the pulse in Clay's throat. "I’ve got you.”

He wrapped his arms around Clay as his hips moved to create friction. They were achingly hard against each other. Tony’s past sexual experiences were always a chaotic blur. But to take it slow and draw out the pleasure of every movement like this was new to Tony. It was something he could only do with Clay, because he wasn't distracted with trying to keep the armor on. This vulnerability was something only Clay witnessed. Years of growing up together and enduring the aftermath of the tapes forged unbreakable trust between them. The boy was a beautiful writhing mess under him. Clay pulled at Tony’s hair while gasping into his ear, whispering rather colorful Spanish that had Tony moaning.

“Tony- _Love-_ “ Clay groaned breathlessly. “Touch me- Touch- my cock-“ 

Tony’s hips stuttered at Clay saying that last word. His voice alone was enough to arouse Tony like never before. It was in a deeper octave with rare roughness. Tony reached down to wrap his hand around the other's erection. His thumb ran over the leaking head. Clay arched into Tony's touch with a fierce swear. Tony watched in awe as Clay closed his eyes and his head fell back. The pleasure flickering across his face was stunning.

“Fuck. You’re beautiful.”

Clay opened his eyes to look right at Tony. There was unwavering intensity to his gaze. “And I'm all yours. Just like how you’re all mine.”

Tony’s brain short-circuited from how Clay was this extraordinary blend of courageous and vulnerable and protective and giving and loving and a million other fucking things at once. To Tony, this boy was fucking perfect. This boy was the reason his car remained a safe haven of late night rides and shared laughter. Not an early coffin driving off a cliff with Tony in it.

Clay reached down to touch Tony’s aching arousal. He bucked into Clay’s hand with a harsh moan. “Is this okay?” asked Clay before slowing down. “Or I can stop.”

“It’s more than okay and _goddamnit, fuck, shit-_ " Whatever was left of Tony's composure was gone. He's fantasized about Clay touching him for years. Now that it was actually happening, Tony didn't think he could last long. He was too overwhelmed by the mere fact that _Clay_ wanted _him._ "Don’t stop and don’t you dare tease. Not tonight.” Tony groaned when Clay smirked and stroked slower. “For fuck's sake-- _Clay._ " He didn't know whether to roll his eyes or laugh when Clay stroked _even slower._ Tony knew what Clay wanted to hear: _"Please.”_

Clay stroked him faster to match Tony’s speed working his own cock. They dissolved into a mess of moans and gasps and whispered names. Tony left love bites just about everywhere else on Clay's body, but not on his neck yet. He marked the boy over his most sensitive spot. Hearing Clay whimper like that was engraved into his memory. Tony was about to mark another area when his boyfriend chose to attack his throat. It was an endless string of _"Fuckfuckfuck-"_ as Tony was blinded by the pleasure. There was a sense of satisfaction knowing that everyone would see these matching marks.

When they met again for another kiss, Clay moaned into Tony’s mouth. "Love- I'm close-"

"Same, mi corazón." Another moan tore out of him when Clay sharply thrust upwards. "Fuck- cariño, _cariño-_ I want you to come for me-"

Their bodies lost all sense of rhythm as their hips moved faster and faster, hard shafts fucking into the other boy’s fist. Clay fully wrapped both his legs around Tony’s waist. His fingers tightened in Tony’s hair, pulling sharp and hard. Those three precious words were said between pants and moans and sobs. Clay’s body tensed, then shook violently through the climax. He screamed Tony’s name against the boy’s neck. It pushed Tony over the edge as well. A mad flurry of Spanish escaped, ending with Clay's name. He thrust hard and heavy while spilling into Clay’s hand. He's never cried in bed before, but the tears wouldn't stop. Sometimes it hurt how fucking much he loved Clay. And he knew from how Clay was crying that he wasn't alone in feeling this way.

The tension melted away as they rode the orgasm out together. Soft kisses were shared until Tony collapsed on top of Clay. They breathed heavily with ongoing rainfall in the background. “You are fucking amazing, cariño.”

Clay's laughter was muffled against his boyfriend's shoulder. “You too, love.” 

Tony kissed his cheek before slipping out of bed. He returned with a warm damp cloth to clean them up. He fell back into Clay’s arms. The boy threw a leg over Tony’s waist then nuzzled him. Tony’s hand gently caressed his thigh, fingers tracing over scars.

“If you ever get close to hurting yourself again, call me.” 

Clay's eyes widened. Kindness given by the boy he loved always struck a chord in him. Blue eyes softened with warmth.

“I already have," he murmured. "Even before we got together. Whenever I got close to-...to doing it- I'd reach out. You know those random texts or calls at like- 3 AM? Or well- any time of the day really. You always answered. Almost every time you'd come over. Or we'd go out for a drive." He reached for Tony's hand to kiss his knuckles. "So, don't think that you weren't there for me. It's because of you that I only have old scars. I've been clean for a while." His smile wavered before fading. "But...if...I was to ever relapse..."

He didn't need to say it out loud. Tony knew what he was thinking: if Clay was to relapse, Tony would be upset, disappointed and leave him. That one relapse would cost him Tony's love. But this couldn't be farther from the truth.

"If you relapse, then I'll be right here to help you through it. I'm never leaving your side, Clay. I promise." Tony kissed the boy's wrist again. This time to seal the vow. "I love you."

With a smile, Clay pressed their lips together. "I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> First work! Hope you enjoyed it! Thinking about writing a prequel or sequel to this story. Looking forward to writing more for these boys soon. Thanks for reading!


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